Keeping the Connection

Sex is an important part of marriage. When it's good, couples share physical pleasure and connect emotionally. When it's bad, feelings of depression, anger, or even the collapse of the relationship can occur.

Straight Talk

It's never a good idea to confront your spouse every time you're unhappy. In healthy long-term marriages, couples learn how to choose their words and their battles. Explore the top one or two issues that are bothering you, then risk sharing your feelings and speak your mind rationally. You'll feel better about yourself and your marriage.

Do What Works

No matter what kind of relationship problem you have, there are times in a marriage when things go more smoothly. Become a student of what's different when things are working -- laughter, kindness, romance. Ask yourself, "What was I doing at that time? What was my partner doing?" Then start doing more of what works.

The Siren Solution

When you show your love for your spouse by placing more importance on your sexual relationship, even if you're out of practice or not feeling particularly sensual, you trigger a solution cycle. Your spouse becomes happier and more loving in return.

The "Nike" Solution

Just because you're not hungering for sex doesn't necessarily mean you have an arousal problem. For most people, sex is easy to enjoy once they get started. Ignore your inner voice that says, "Not now, I'm too tired," and adopt Nike's slogan: Just do it. And remember, some experts believe that when it comes to libido, people need to use it or lose it.

Embers Vs. Fireworks

Couples often flash back to the beginning of their relationship, when hormones were raging and passion was overwhelming. But long-haul sexuality is often inspired by fleeting images such as your husband playing with the kids, your wife dressed in heels or perhaps a movie you found arousing. Don't allow these moments to go unnoticed; act on them.

Focus on the Exceptions

Like a hothouse flower, desire often grows under specific conditions. For some, it's rainy nights. For others, it's a long soak in a sauna while on vacation. Identify what gets your juices flowing, and take advantage of the moment. Better yet, create it yourself. If hot baths turn you on, turn on the faucet more often.

Know Thy Self

Everyone is different, so you need to discover the uniqueness of your own sexuality. Become an expert on your own body, which means start experimenting. Watch sexy DVDs, or try lotions or toys. All of which are available at  wwForYourPleasure.net/Jenifer. When you're making love, try different positions. See what feels best -- and then let your partner know. It's your responsibility to figure out what feels more exciting to you.

Act As If

If you want to feel more sexual, act more sexual. For many of us, that means thinking back to a time when you felt more sexual and then doing the very things you used to do. Take off those sensible shoes and dumpy khakis. Wiggle into sexy lingerie under a tight sweater or wrap dress. Try spritzing a new perfume behind your ears and below your clavicle.

Novelty

After you've been together for a while, sex often becomes routine. If you're doing the same things in the same order over and over again, you probably won't feel stimulated. You might not reach orgasm. You can improve things by changing the way you approach lovemaking. Be creative and push yourself to keep an open mind. You may surprise yourself -- and your spouse.

The SeeSaw Effect

Like paying the bills or emptying the washer, some couples designate sexual responsibilities. But the more one person is "in charge," the easier it is for the other to sit back and wait. Then, the more highly-sexed partner can become so upset or defeated, that he may believe you don't love him anymore. Rediscover your passion for your spouse before it's too late.

Just Say When

There will be times when you simply don't feel like having sex. But instead of just saying "no" or "I'm too tired," which can feel like a flat-out rejection, offer an alternative. Try saying, "I'm exhausted. But if you wait until I catch a nap, I'd love to fool around then." Or, "Let's hold off until the kids to go to sleep." You don't want to rebuff your spouse without showing that you care.

Give a Gift

Even if you're not in the mood, you can show your love to your spouse by doing something that would please her sexually. This doesn't mean pretending to be aroused or doing something that makes you uncomfortable. It simply means showing some enthusiasm. Tell your spouse you want to please her and ask what she'd like for you to do. Then do it.

When He Has Lost Desire

Are you a woman who deeply desires more satisfying sex with your husband? You're not alone. Love and Sex Life Coach  Michele Weiner Davis,  author of 'The Sex-Starved Wife,' shares the secrets that will help you re-ignite your love life.

"It’s not me, its you"

Most wives tend to blame themselves. But there are biological reasons, such as cardiovascular disease, and emotional causes, including depression, that triggers a drop in male sexual desire. Of course, your husband could also be having an affair.

Stop talking about it

When you first noticed your husband withdrawing sexually, did you do what any logical woman would do -- talk to him? But what you intended as a heart-to-heart ended up as a heated argument or cold war. Reduce your words and take action. Here's how:

The first step is to try to boost his ego. Show him how good his body feels to you. He might not be happy with the extra 15 pounds, but caress his chest and say, I like how strong and powerful you feel.

For many couples, work, bills, children, and general stress have worn away the spontaneity and creativity of lovemaking. Some of us even schedule sex dates! Go back to old tricks like dirty talk or fantasy play.

Many husbands no longer feel attracted to their wives due to her weight gain, sloppy appearance, or unhealthy habits such as smoking. Whether that's fair or right, it just is. Be honest with yourself about your looks and the energy you put into being sexy, healthy, and fit.

Ask your husband if sex has become boring, and if so, what he would like to do for more excitement. Or, surprise him and tell him you're not wearing panties. Walk into the room wearing only lingerie. Feel him up at a stop light.

There must be some things he likes about sex: X-rated videos, role play, sex toys. If he's brave enough to tell you what he likes, short of doing something illegal or degrading, do it -- or find ways to compromise.

If you want him to be more involved sexually, step back and give him notice you're not pursuing him. Give it time -- more than two weeks -- and don't make the mistake of silently stewing while you're doing it.

Another reason men fall out of lust is that their partners' roles change. If your husband has difficulty seeing you, his wife and a mother, as erotic, try putting on some lipstick and acting out fantasies that cast you in a more erotic light.

In good marriages, people speak their partner's love language: quality time, kind words and acts (like homecooking), gifts, and physical touch. The more you soften toward him, the more he'll light up.

We're not born knowing how to please our partners. You have to learn great sex. This is an area where having a party will help tremendously, you will learn more than you thought possible! Feel Free to email any questions that you may have, I will try my best to help you and if I can't personally, I will find a way! There are many excellent resources available to the most demure or adventurous of us, including Books, Games and many educational videos available at  www.ForYourPleasure.net/Jenifer

The Sex Starved Wife

Excerpted from 'The Sex-Starved Wife' by Michele Weiner Davis. Copyright 2008 by Michele Weiner Davis. Excerpted with permission from Simon & Schuster, Inc.
Michele Weiner Davis is the  author of 'The Sex-Starved Marriage,' tells you how to revitalize your most intimate connection with your spouse

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